Extreme-ism

i love this woman. her name is erin stern and she has won the highest honor in bodybuilding, the olympia. i love that she posted this picture to remind everyone what a process it is to reach the place in her sport that she has reached. the left is from her first show in 2003 and the right is from olympia 2011. the last blog i wrote was about taking one's time with things and this picture spoke to me.

it started off a little flurry of comments and it amazed me that no one said anything really admirable other than a blip about discipline. the comments were overwhelmingly not in favor of erin's look for olympia. there was one comment that really got me thinking and it was about how extremes are not healthy in any way, mentally, physically etc. i got to thinking about extremes and about the stigma that bodybuilding has, especially for women.

what if i had posted this picture?

or this one?

these are both inspiring women who are at the top of their fields. the first is a russian ballerina (i stole the pic from the new york times article about her dancing at city center) and the second is the winner of the 2012 boston marathon last week.

both of these are extremes that would have been applauded, not instantly criticized. professional ballerinas are artists and athletes and their artform takes a tremendous toll on them physically. they break and deform their feet and maintain extremely low levels of body fat because that is what is seen as "ideal" in their world. they are seen almost unanimously as beautiful in their "extreme-ness." people do not say, "oh, she did that to be sexy or desirable." they understand that it's passion, for the most part, that drives these ballerinas.

the marathon runner has the ideal body for her sport and her sport is extreme by any stretch of the imagination and generally distant from the debate of beautiful or not. there is no debate about whether the extreme-ness of this sport is ok or somehow shallow on some spiritual level.

opera singers are extreme in the field of singing. while not a "sport," opera is a highly tuned physical undertaking that must be done with great care so as not to cause permanent physical damage to the singer's cords. one could argue that the professional opera singers pay for their passion not so much physically (although there is a toll that is taken from the constant traveling and need to be able to sing on a dime) but emotionally. with this form of expression there is never a debate about whether said singer is doing this to "feel pretty."

i can see how bodybuilding can be perceived as a "meathead" occupation undertaken by folks with no self esteem so that the opposite sex will find them attractive. i used to think that. i was the most judgemental person of them all. when i saw pictures of shredded girls, i would be the first to say, "oh, how disgusting," rather than seeing the work, discipline and passion that went into sculpting a living canvas into the "ideal" for the sport. what is "ideal" in each discipline varies. what works for one won't work for another and so i think the debate of what is healthier or "better" should be kept within the confines of the sport at hand.

the new wave of bodybuilders, and what attracted me to the sport in the first place, are very vocal about the inner journey, self-care and helping others. it isn't so much look at me for the sake of look at me. it's about showing what the body can do when there is exercise and nutrition involved. it's nearly an art form in which a foundation is created and then the surface fat eliminated so that, for one day, the underlying structure is revealed in its very human glory.

i think that going to an extreme such as being the best in the world at what you do is applaudable provided that the primary motivation is that the thing you are doing lights up your soul. there is not really any evidence that we come round this life more than once, so i am all for finding your passion and going after it as far as you want.

my motivation for everything i do is to expand love and joy and to help others from my place of expanded joy. any other motivation will leave me unfulfilled ultimately. i left academia knowing it would disappoint those people who saw me as having a future there because it didn't leave me breathless and happy. i think that continuing in something because one is talented and others expect it is as sure a failure as any because there is no inside payoff, no joy. be a bank teller or a restaurant manager if that speaks to you. find what makes you happy and share the joy with others. the ultimate balance is finding peace within.

i will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite fitness girls, jamie eason.

"i hope to leave a legacy as a person who truly loves people and is passionate about helping them."

she is on the cover of ironman.

Idol Syndrome

american idol has created a little hiccup in my life. i will expand. when someone hears that i am an opera singer, the first thing they ask is where am i singing...at la opera? when i say that i am still training because my voice isn't ready yet (i'm 31 years old, let's remember) they want to know why and then immediately suggest that i go on american idol or america's got talent. this is just one symptom of a broken culture that eats mcdonalds. people think that talent needs to be famous right now and that it's somehow a good thing to bypass years of training, practice and real world experience as a person in order to be famous or get a record contract. mariah carey has already spoken out about the skipping of the artistic development, so i'm not going to address that part of it. i am going to speak about the broken concept we as a culture have about time.

when i told people that i wanted to start bodybuilding, no one suggested a fast way to become a competitive athlete. people did say things like, "wow, that will take a lot of time and discipline to develop that kind of body." there is an understanding, to a point, that building muscles and asking your body to change with and for you that people don't have of musicians, especially singers. a woman's voice doesn't physiologically settle down till her early to mid thirties. opera is the neurosurgery of the singing world. the tightrope walkers, if you will. one wrong technique or one misstep and the voice is "dead" for a career in opera as a principle singer. starting to sing professionally before the technique and the physical development of the voice are ready is setting one up for a five year career instead of a twenty five year career. thus, i am waiting....waiting tables and waiting for my body to age and for my breath to cooperate with my brain and my body. i am practicing and creating a physical foundation as a singer and a musician from which i can create art.

as far as the difference in the type of singing needed for these shows versus what i do in opera, all i can say is...if i were training to be a professional soccer player, you wouldn't ask me to try out for a rugby team, would you? opera is a specialty. those who are pursuing careers as principle singers don't generally branch out. it would be putting energy that could be put into my focus into something that is not my focus and not my passion.

i am so grateful for beginning my lifting of weights since it has slowed down my thinking as far as the opera goes. in my head i know that i will be ready to start singing professionally around age 33, but i still want to push for sooner. i see people i know beginning their careers and i want to be included. i have to remember that i am building a foundation for my voice and my career and not theirs. no one gets to say where or when is right for another person and i wish i could remember that more. we all get our own paths and choices in this life and each is as valid as the other. there is no shame in waiting constructively.

today i stay in the moment while building for tomorrow's rewards, remembering that faster does not necessarily mean better.

Baby Steps

i get really upset sometimes when i try to lift weights and find out just how weak i have let my body become. i become retroactively abusive to myself, berating myself for my past inaction and apathy. how could i do this to myself? who does this? the answer doesn't even matter anymore. going into that headspace of morbidly microscoping things that have already happened, things i can't change, is purely destructive. the only place this thought process leads to is darkness. there is no productive, loving action as a result of beating myself up over the past.

"i forgive myself all the mistakes i have ever made in every direction of time."

someone gave that saying to my best friend once and it stuck inside me. the other day i realized that shame and guilt and anger are the jailkeepers of my soul. these feelings hold my spirit in a dark cell and the key to the lock is forgiveness and it has to start with me. i have to forgive myself before i can move into love, gratitude and joy. until i can forgive myself i can't really forgive anyone else because deep down i still hate myself for doing whatever it is that i am trying to forgive someone else for...and so there is no cleansing. when i can forgive myself i can also properly make apologies and offer amends because then i am already free inside and am being loving and not selfish in my apology. forgiveness gives me the freedom to be sincere.

i came to forgive myself for all the lessons and rehearsals that i have shown up to totally unprepared. i have injured others and wasted their time, but also hurt the little child inside me that loves to sing. i am not a fragile singer, i made myself that way by repeating patterns of behavior that came to an end when i forgave myself and decided to take responsibility for my learning of music and preparation. i don't have to forgive myself for today's rehearsal. it was a turning point in my life as a singer, an adult and a human being. i have peace with how today's rehearsal went. i was not a mess and i was able to stay in the moment, support the other singers and be part of. sure, there are little pieces that i need to woodshed, but not pages. i didn't learn anything incorrectly. i was there 100% and i am proud of myself. i expanded joy and sang from a loving place.

today i was gentle with myself, my voice and my body and, as a result, i was gentle with others.

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

thank you for my toes. thank you for my heels. thank you for my feet. thank you for my ankles. thank you for my shins. thank you for my calves...

someone once said that if the only prayer you ever say is "thank you" that it would be enough. i am finding that gratitude is the greatest multi-purpose life-changer that there is. gratitude reminds me of where the love comes from that motivates my actions. gratitude can take me from being a weepy basketcase to being an empowered woman in action. now, granted, sometimes the action is simplt that i am not wallowing in self-pity, i wash my face and go to bed...but sometimes going to bed is the next right indicated action.

i am thankful for the coaching that i had today and superthankful for having a loving, competent guide to the ropes of verdi's opera. i am behind where i need to be in putting this role together and my first rehearsal is on sunday afternoon. my life got scary and dramatic and i let this foreign object growing unbidden in my breast to take priority over the music. fear got the better of me and took me to apathy and inaction. i tried to forget that life is in session and i really need to show up. i am hoping to prepare enough to get by, but i want this to be the last time that i feel truly unprepared because of my own inaction. i want to be the best that i can be and to show up prepared to GiVe. i want to make life easier for others in the rehearsal. i want people to feel they can trust me. i want to trust me. i want to show up without doubts as to my ability to sing the role properly. i want to show up knowing that i won't let the director down. i want to show up with joy in my heart. i am grateful that i have the ability to make this happen. i have a lot of work to do tomorrow before i go to my job. i will write a list on paper and do that.

tonight after i worked out my legs (the legs i am grateful for, the legs that work) i had a sit down with a man who is going to help me learn how to achieve my fitness goals. another person to be grateful for. he didn't laugh at my goals and didn't disparage me because of the state of my body. he went to solution and started making a plan for me. we are starting at the very beginning, a very good place to start. for the first few months i will be "bulking" my muscles...or rather coaxing muscles that are hibernating to come out and show themselves. they are there, but they have been dormant. it's much like finding my voice in this role. while i'm learning it the voice tends to hide and then comes out when the notes and the words are in my body and it's time to fine-tune the voice. right now we will be cultivating the presence of my muscles. i will have to consume more calories and work twice as hard and i am ready to do it. part of me quails at asking my body to come through for me, but i am confident that if i give it the right fuel and the right attitude that it will show up as well.

thank you for my breath. thank you for my soul. thank you for who i am because who i am is wonderful. thank you.  

Tangible Reality

for whatever reason, i have a hard time writing things down on paper: shopping lists, schedules, budgets...goals. writing things down has been shown time and time again to "make" the things written down more "real." writing with a pen has this great ability to slow the minds thoughts down to the speed of the pen, thus focusing said mind on the task at hand. this may be why i prefer to type. i can type nearly as fast as i can think. i realized a couple days back that i haven't ever physically written down any of my goals in life. i haven't ever written down short-term goals as in "what would i like to accomplish in this practice session?"

when i took a long moment to ponder this seemingly small thing, i came to the startling conclusion that i don't write down my goals because i am deathly afraid of achieving them. i am comfortable, albeit not happy, in mediocrity and failure. i am afraid of succeeding because the times that i have really gone there and been a shining thing...someone has said or done something mean to me. i know i'm overly sensitive like most artists, but my fear of another girl's judgement (it's always girls, i don't have an answer for this at the moment) is paralyzing me. the word "potential" frightens me because i have some and the some that i have i am not using to its fullest. i have not been a good caretaker of my talent.

these things thusly discovered, i now have to make the shift from ashamed and guilty to love. i want to beat myself up and further this by not practicing and somehow submarining what i am capable of doing. i have to love myself into action and remember that showing up for myself in my practice session is showing up ahead of time for others in rehearsal. being a contralto means that i am not the "star" and that what i sing is generally right in the middle of the pile in ensemble singing. i provide a foundation for the soprano to fly and to be a star. it's essential to provide a good foundation. it's important that i show up prepared with my music, that i stay in the moment, and lovingly provide that foundation. i must be selfless. it's an interesting spot for a performer to find herself, knowing that a good performance ensures another's success. all performers want to be the one receiving the accolades, but being a contralto i will generally sing small supporting roles for most of my career. to be successful i need to cultivate a prepared un-selfish and giving stage presence. it's imperative to remember to sing from love.

today i have a coaching and i will be writing down in a paper notebook what i want to accomplish. i don't want to fly by the seat of my pants anymore. i want a map to guide me.

in singing i am perfectly capable of setting goals and knowing what i am capable of, with bodybuilding i am quite in the dark. i have enlisted the help of one more knowledgable than i, and tonight we are going to write down goals for me...the map to finding my guns. i make maps of what exercises i want to do before i go to the gym, so i don't wander about, but now i need to make a map of mile markers and when i want to pass them. i am strangely comforted in the making of these maps. one little step at a time, one day at a time, one weight, one phrase...i don't have to do anything allatonce.

today i am going to fold laundry from love, i will sing from love, i will lift weights from love, all the time knowing that the love i cultivate for myself will spill over into the lives of others. i can't change myself without changing the world around me. i am not in an autonomous bubble floating through life, i am a person who is inextricably entangled in the world around me...and it's wonderful.

Finding Time

budgeting time is about the same as budgeting money, or at least that is what i am finding out seems to be true most of the time. i have always had a problem with both, whether finding the motivation or the follow through after the motivation. discipline is hard and it becomes harder to do the older i get. the rub comes in when i found myself nickel and diming myself out of pursuing my dreams financially and then realized that it carried over into my time. a movie here and chinese food there and i just couldn't find a way to pay my rent on time much less take voice lessons. the serious palm to forehead moment came when one of my bosses told me to write down every dollar that i spend and every dollar that i make and see where the money goes and comes. she told me to look hard at my finances and find a way to make my dreams come true. a day or two into doing that and i began to look at how i was using my time...since i just can't seem to find time between my two jobs to go to the gym and practice singing. i do struggle with over-committing and finding that my body just won't come through for me. i've still got some fun injuries from getting hit by that truck that are getting the upper hand over me sometimes, especially when it gets cold. these injuries are part of something that i couldn't control, but how these injuries play into my future life, to a certain extent, i can control. i can budget my time so that i can build some nice, strong muscles to hold my joints solid when the temperature drops.

today i found myself actively budgeting my time on the fly. i had to scrub stains out of my work shirts, run the laundry so i have clean clothes for work, get in an arm workout, starch and iron a shirt and shower...all before going to job number one and later to job number two. today wasn't a music day, but tomorrow will be. i'll be damned if i didn't find a way to do everything and not kill myself. i had to get out the 2 lb dumbells  and the yoga mat and work my arms while the clothes were in the washer and then shower while they were in the dryer. i got it all done and managed to be at work on time, although i did forget my pants for job number two and had to buy some new ones right before work. i hope i never forget my pants again.

just for today i found that if i keep my goals first and foremost, focusing on what i really want, that i can accomplish more.

Day One

the first post is the hardest. i keep asking myself why i should keep a record of what i do and how i am feeling while on this journey and i have to remind myself that if i inspire one person to change the way they live to a more effective way, then i have been a success.

i sing opera. opera takes a long time to build a career in and i am still training. opera is long sighted and plans are made years in advance. each practice session is undertaken with short and long term goals. today i will keep my voice on the tracks and i will learn all the notes in the right order. i am learning this piece because it is part of a role that will go on my resume and will give someone who might want to hire me an idea of who i am as a singer...although that day is years away. today i must love the journey. i love the art form, i love my voice and i love myself enough to take the hour to sing and the time to, unsinging, look over what i am learning. i set goals and the love keeps me in action.

i went to the gym today. it is the first day of my journey in bodybuilding. this is a journey stemming from love. this journey is fraught with my own fears and insecurities that i must love into oblivion. with singing, i am more comfortable. i have experience and a trained voice. i know the ropes. i am a nascent bodybuilder. my body is weak, but willing. my spirit is willing and sometimes weaker than my body. to start this journey i had to make the transition from going to the gym out of shame and a selfish desire to look "bangin" to going out of love for the meatball suit that holds my soul. i am the caretaker of this body and while i haven't been absent, i haven't been pro-active. i would go to the gym out of shame for being bigger than the other girls. mind you, i'm 5'11" so that goes without saying, but shame took me to the gym. i was ashamed that my thighs are big and ashamed that i am not athletic and have no muscles to speak of. i would arrive and see the girls who are fit and shame would take me back home again, broken. my body would give out on me from my shame pushing it past where it could go. then guilt would take over and i would sit at home, marinating in shame and guilt and self-loathing.

one day i realized that i hurt when it gets cold. at 31, i needed to think of the future and how i want to feel as i'm aging. i looked at my injured, malnourished and tired body and there was a shift in my thinking. i came to see that i love my insides and i've shown up to grow and change, but only inside. i knew that the love could and would spill over to my outsides if i would let myself get vulnerable and get into action. get into a space where i didn't know a lot, needed to learn tons, and where i would be challenged to see myself as deserving of a healthy body. from that place of love i found bodybuilding. i've never been sporty, but this is a sport undertaken alone where the person you compete against every day is yourself. i lost all my muscles a couple years back when a car hit me in the crosswalk. i need to build muscles and build discipline and so this seemed like the perfect fit for me.

i have goals on this journey, both long and short term. long term i would like to do a fitness show and have a career singing professional opera. short term i want to show up for vocal practice, give 100% in rehearsals, lessons and coaching...and show up in the gym each day with a plan, go to the pain cave with a joyful spirit and then eat in such a way to support my goals both vocally and physically.

today i memorized words and patterns to the role i am learning in the opera Rigoletto. today i went to the gym and did legs. i could only lift 50 pounds with my legs. next week i will lift more. tomorrow i will do arms and abs and i will put words and notes together.

just for today i will believe in the power of love to put me into action and that the action will serve others as it serves me. today i choose love over shame.