i have been watching some tv during this down time and it has brought up some thoughts. the show i've gotten hooked on is "extreme make-over: weight loss edition." in this show the trainer, chris powell, takes the super obese and, over the course of a year, teaches them a healthy, sustainable lifestyle and guides them to their weight loss goals. what i love about this show is that it takes a year to complete the "transformation." i love that chris calls the change a transformation. he not only teaches these folks to exercise, but helps them face down the issues in their own lives and hearts that caused them to become super obese. sustainable change always begins with a person taking responsibility for their part in the given situation. ignoring the underlying causes is, in my opinion, why some folks get a gastric bypass and then need another one a few years later. in most cases a bariatric surgery is a quick-fix band-aid. i know a few people who have undergone these surgeries only to become fat kids inside a thinner body. they still have food issues, self-esteem trouble, and mountains of self doubt. nearly all of them throw up at every meal from either eating too fast, trying yet again to eat something that won't "fit" through the lap band, or trying to eat at the pace of a normal person. all of these people, with no exceptions, live in fear that they will somehow gain the weight back. none of them would have their lap bands taken off now that they are not obese. they live in fear. the lap band rules their lives. it seems sad to me that these people have gone from sad, obese people to thinner, food obsessed, malnourished people. the beauty of this show is that the people chris chooses would definitely be given bariatric surgery without a second of hesitation. this show does a lot to prove that major weight loss and lifestyle changes are possible even when working a full time job and having a family. this is not a rushed show. it takes a year for the process and these people have changed enough inside so that their changes are sustainable. their families get into the process and begin making healthier changes as well. it warms my heart to see people who are sad, ashamed, and full of doubt become empowered individuals who believe in themselves and are proud of their ability to affect change in their own lives.
after watching a few of these, especially the women, a thought occurred to me. these girls describe the way they feel inside the same way i've heard normal girls talk about feeling. i think that even pretty girls can be prisoners of their bodies. there are prejudices and preconceived notions about pretty girls just as much as there is for fat girls...and the most awful judgements come from other women. pretty girls are seen as anorexic, dumb, whorish, bitches and on and on before saying one word. fat girls are seen as sloppy, undisciplined, and so forth. pretty girls have pressure on them to keep up their body and to be outwardly powerful and to have it all together. they have just as many raging self-esteem issues as the big girls. they are both held prisoner in their own bodies, both from outward pressures and from their own personal battles. listening to both girls talk about their bodies, i have heard one common thread: i am not good enough. i don't deserve love and respect. i am not free to be me.
there are always those who point the finger at our culture of skinny worship, magazines full of diet plans and stars who are said to be "fat" at a size 4. i would say that there is not going to be a sustainable change in the way women view themselves and their bodies until we quit looking outside ourselves with blame and excuses. the answer is found within. why do women feel that they aren't enough or that they don't deserve love and respect? there are a lot of underlying resentments of self that need to be addressed before a meal can be seen as a loving act or before peace can be made with one's body. i think that a lot of girls of "normal" size are in desperate need of a "transformation" on the scale of extreme make-over. i am not talking loss of weight; i am talking loss of sadness.
i am not sure how to work this all out in real life, but i am sure that i will find some guideposts along the way of my own life. one of the last things that i had to deal with before i could really sit down and sing on a regular and productive basis was my own feeling of being worthy. i've heard it said that procrastination is a form of self-sabotage stemming from low self esteem and i believe it. in my life that has proven itself to be true. i couldn't go to the gym until i got over my fear of success, my fear of how the world around me would react if i got in shape and lost some weight. thin or not there are always going to be rough things to negotiate, but i am confident that they will all work themselves out if i approach my life from a place of love...of knowing that i am enough. enough for what, you ask? enough for my life. not yours. mine. enough for what i choose to do. overachieving out of inferiority and fear is ultimately just as destructive as giving up. i am just enough and enough is as good as a feast. the magic of being enough is that when i follow through on the tasks i've set out for myself, i find that there is always more to give to others. there is always more of a loving enough.
finding one's own enough-ness spills out onto every area of life from relationships to jobs and hobbies. everything blossoms inside of enough. i found my enough-ness by looking at all the reasons i thought i wasn't enough, my resentments and blame. those turned into a map out of the darkness. i found my part and was able to take responsibility for the way i react to the world around me. i want to find a cohesive way to explain to other women how to find what i am discovering and a realistic way to impart a sustainable and loving way of life.
to be continued...
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Snot-nosed Setbacks
i have been sidelined. i thought it was allergies and then, perhaps a little cold. whatever it was blew up and now i am on antibiotics and in bed repairing myself. i read a book in which the author said that any undertaking that evolves one's soul or getting tighter abdominals will illicit resistance and that resistance sometimes takes the form of illness. while i don't want to blame this on some resistance "conspiracy," i do want to take this time to rally my spirits and not let this pothole derail my journey. yes, there is major change happening in my voice and in my body and in life in general, and maybe, just for this moment, it was too much for my body to handle.
i've never been the horse-healthy strong person. if i had lived in the 1800's i would have died of consumption at eighteen for sure. they would have declared me as one who has a "delicate constitution." i don't want that to define me. i don't want to limit my physicality by what my body has been capable of in the past. i believe that the mind can get the body to go where it hasn't ever been before. they say "change your thoughts and change your life." that is true to a point, but thinking hasn't ever gotten someone off of the couch...for long. i think that actions speak louder than words, but also that actions make the words reality. i have been consistent in my practice and my training and have been rewarded, but now i'm stuck in my body and the body isn't working properly. my mind runs wild. prior to these last few months i would have taken this illness as my body saying that i was running it too hard. i would back off or quit altogether. now i am taking this time to remember why i am on this journey and to repeat to myself that i didn't get sick from not taking care of myself. sick just happens sometimes and i have to just drive over the pothole and not let my "alignment" get out of whack.
today i am thinking of healing rather than the gym days i have missed. i am focusing on being gentle while remembering that there is work waiting to be done, but that it will not expire just because i am down for the count. it's so easy to lose sight of what is right in the world when little things catch me up. i'm looking for flowers to water and not the weeds.
i've never been the horse-healthy strong person. if i had lived in the 1800's i would have died of consumption at eighteen for sure. they would have declared me as one who has a "delicate constitution." i don't want that to define me. i don't want to limit my physicality by what my body has been capable of in the past. i believe that the mind can get the body to go where it hasn't ever been before. they say "change your thoughts and change your life." that is true to a point, but thinking hasn't ever gotten someone off of the couch...for long. i think that actions speak louder than words, but also that actions make the words reality. i have been consistent in my practice and my training and have been rewarded, but now i'm stuck in my body and the body isn't working properly. my mind runs wild. prior to these last few months i would have taken this illness as my body saying that i was running it too hard. i would back off or quit altogether. now i am taking this time to remember why i am on this journey and to repeat to myself that i didn't get sick from not taking care of myself. sick just happens sometimes and i have to just drive over the pothole and not let my "alignment" get out of whack.
today i am thinking of healing rather than the gym days i have missed. i am focusing on being gentle while remembering that there is work waiting to be done, but that it will not expire just because i am down for the count. it's so easy to lose sight of what is right in the world when little things catch me up. i'm looking for flowers to water and not the weeds.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Project of Self
projects generally have finish lines. one day i will do a figure competition and i will have "completed" the project of bodybuilding. sort of. i will have reached the outside-est goal that i have set for myself, but when i set off on this journey of fitness i undertook an undertaking that i can never "finish" in any sort of finish-y kind of way. singing is the same. while i will one day achieve various and sundry goals in singing and ultimately retire, will i ever be "done" before i am dead? it goes the same with the inner journey. i don't think that there is a finish line or a destination in personal growth and where one goes and can go in a lifetime. there are certainly goals, outer things by which we measure our lives (career, mate, children, home) but ultimately we can never be done. this brings me to my question: where are we going in such a hurry? why do we feel as though things should happen faster and while we are younger? why do we want it now? would "now" make me happy? if i got all those things now would i be content or would i crash and burn under the weight of blessings that are too weighty for my current spirit?
i guess this ties into my prior post about american idol, but this post won't be about the necessary time that my endeavours will require, but rather about my own impatience and my own quest to be slower both in mind and in expectation.
during the time i wasn't blogging i was underwater. from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell into bed at night, i was running, flailing, driving, singing, working and in a way, dying. i tried to cram too much into my life. i thought i could commit to two jobs, two shows and service for others. there is this horrible idea going around these days that busier is better. busier means that one is important; busier than you are means that i am more successful than you are. busy can be a way to avoid things that hurt. busy can be a way to avoid being a grown-up. busy can cover up all sorts of things that we don't want to see. i never, ever want to be that busy again. i loved my shows and i loved my jobs. i didn't love the two hour drive in rush hour in the sun with no air-conditioning to sing in the opera, but it was worth it. this kind of busy just abused my body. i was eating dry gas station burritos in my car as i raced from one place to the next in a constant state of anxiety because i felt that i hadn't had the time to properly prepare myself for the rehearsals and the shows. i got 3 ear infections in six weeks. the doctor said it was from stress. but i was busy. i was needed. i was getting an important role for my resume. i was being of service. i was making money to pay my rent and be an independent woman. this should have been great, right?
busy made me sick and busier really dented my spirits. i had no time for inner self-care. i had no time to just breathe and be a human. i really did feel as though i needed to do it all right then. i am glad that i had this experience because i learned that busy doesn't make me more important except in a really outer way, a way that i could never sustain since i am going into a career that requires sleep and health. i wanted to do it all now. i've always felt that i was "behind" my peers and somehow needed to catch up. there is a lot of pressure to have a certain number of roles before one is "ready" to be a professional singer. there are always people wanting to get everyone on cookie cutter journeys. can everybody just stay calm while we all have our own journeys on our own time? i want to live my life at my speed. i want to have time to drink my coffee in my pajamas in the morning. i want to eat while sitting at a table. i want to give time to my roles. i want to give time to practice. i want to go to the gym and not have to always look at my clock. i want to approach deadlines with confidence, knowing that i am ready, prepared, and that i took the time to be that way. i want to be a good budgeter of the time that i have been given. i am learning to say no. i am learning to prioritize. i am finding that honoring the time that opera and bodybuilding requires means that i have to make different choices moving forward.
i will never get "it" done. i will never be finished till i'm in my permanent dirt nap. i hope that when my time comes that i will exit this life with no regrets, having given my 100% best to everything i undertook. i want to have never loved in half measures.
i guess this ties into my prior post about american idol, but this post won't be about the necessary time that my endeavours will require, but rather about my own impatience and my own quest to be slower both in mind and in expectation.
during the time i wasn't blogging i was underwater. from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell into bed at night, i was running, flailing, driving, singing, working and in a way, dying. i tried to cram too much into my life. i thought i could commit to two jobs, two shows and service for others. there is this horrible idea going around these days that busier is better. busier means that one is important; busier than you are means that i am more successful than you are. busy can be a way to avoid things that hurt. busy can be a way to avoid being a grown-up. busy can cover up all sorts of things that we don't want to see. i never, ever want to be that busy again. i loved my shows and i loved my jobs. i didn't love the two hour drive in rush hour in the sun with no air-conditioning to sing in the opera, but it was worth it. this kind of busy just abused my body. i was eating dry gas station burritos in my car as i raced from one place to the next in a constant state of anxiety because i felt that i hadn't had the time to properly prepare myself for the rehearsals and the shows. i got 3 ear infections in six weeks. the doctor said it was from stress. but i was busy. i was needed. i was getting an important role for my resume. i was being of service. i was making money to pay my rent and be an independent woman. this should have been great, right?
busy made me sick and busier really dented my spirits. i had no time for inner self-care. i had no time to just breathe and be a human. i really did feel as though i needed to do it all right then. i am glad that i had this experience because i learned that busy doesn't make me more important except in a really outer way, a way that i could never sustain since i am going into a career that requires sleep and health. i wanted to do it all now. i've always felt that i was "behind" my peers and somehow needed to catch up. there is a lot of pressure to have a certain number of roles before one is "ready" to be a professional singer. there are always people wanting to get everyone on cookie cutter journeys. can everybody just stay calm while we all have our own journeys on our own time? i want to live my life at my speed. i want to have time to drink my coffee in my pajamas in the morning. i want to eat while sitting at a table. i want to give time to my roles. i want to give time to practice. i want to go to the gym and not have to always look at my clock. i want to approach deadlines with confidence, knowing that i am ready, prepared, and that i took the time to be that way. i want to be a good budgeter of the time that i have been given. i am learning to say no. i am learning to prioritize. i am finding that honoring the time that opera and bodybuilding requires means that i have to make different choices moving forward.
i will never get "it" done. i will never be finished till i'm in my permanent dirt nap. i hope that when my time comes that i will exit this life with no regrets, having given my 100% best to everything i undertook. i want to have never loved in half measures.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Mile Markers
when i sing i hear my voice but it is different for me that for those who hear me. oftentimes, when i think i am sounding amazing, it is because i have sucked my sound into my head where i can hear it better but in doing so have cheated the listeners of my best. this is why i have a voice teacher. she is there to hear my voice for me. she hears what i cannot. sometimes when i think i have just screeched out some banshee-like high note, it turns out that i have sung it perfectly. what i heard was distorted. this is why singers record their lessons and coachings. it's a way to hear what i cannot and a way to measure my progress. i can look back and see where i came from and where i am going. i can see what persists as a problem and what is cake now. i can hear what is correct and remember how it felt so i can do it again even when i hear shrieking inside my head. i can hear what happens when i get self conscious or when my ego butts in. i can hear a melt-down happening when i listen to the recordings and i can also hear when the muse begins to breathe for me and i let go and let her sing.
milestones are important. with every job and undertaking, it's vital to give myself checkpoints. i want to see my progress and i want to see where i was and be inspired to keep going. when i got sober i took chips. aa is very smart about this. the milestones for the newly sober occur at 30, 60 and 90 days and then again at 6 and 9 months. it's so important to remind those attempting something they thought to be previously unnattainable that they are indeed doing it and to have a tangible marker. i think that is why people mark down important things in life. tangibility is so important, especially when the progress is slow to see. maybe that was why my mother would mark on the wall in the kitchen how tall i was getting. i wanted so much to be tall like her and all those marks made me so happy. sometimes they were further apart and sometimes closer together, but they always went up. in life it's not like growing as a kid...obviously kid's don't shrink and it's all forward motion, but the marker is still important. somedays i go backwards with where i am at in my attitude, getting discouraged for no other reason than that i have drifted away from my purposes. then i get out my milestones and bring myself back to reality. i can see my journals from years ago and see my emotional growth. i can look at the music i sing and see vocal growth. now i can look at pictures and see my physical growth.
today i took pictures so i could see how my body is changing with the weightlifting. i have felt so weird consuming the necessary calories to put on muscle mass. when one is eating clean (or mostly so), 2,200 calories is a lot of food. i worry that i will get fat. i don't get fat. i feel my clothes fitting differently, but not from weight loss. not yet. my body is shifting. i can't quite see in the mirror an accurate representation of my body. so i took some pictures. i want to feel shallow, but i am so proud of what my commitment and hard work in the gym has done with my body. my shoulders are coming in and i have shape to my arms. where there was skin and bones on my back in december is now shapely with baby muscles. i am only really 3 weeks into a really consistent plan of eating and lifting weights. i have 9 more weeks to work on my strength foundation and putting on mass before i will re-evaluate and maybe start in on the cardio and cut back my calories to a normal level. there is no rushing this process and i know that, but it was important for me to see some tangible progress to keep that fire stoked. i can feel my arms becoming denser and feel my core getting harder, but to see it in a picture was really worth a thousand words, especially to that inner part of me that doesn't speak in words, that place that speaks in feelings and energy.
today i am proud of myself. i am proud to be me. i have been sober for 1,538 days. i sing verdi and wagner and strauss. i can bench press the bar and don't need a spot on my sets. today i was of service to others. all of these things will change tomorrow, but if i can stay faithful to me they will all change for the better. it all comes from love.
milestones are important. with every job and undertaking, it's vital to give myself checkpoints. i want to see my progress and i want to see where i was and be inspired to keep going. when i got sober i took chips. aa is very smart about this. the milestones for the newly sober occur at 30, 60 and 90 days and then again at 6 and 9 months. it's so important to remind those attempting something they thought to be previously unnattainable that they are indeed doing it and to have a tangible marker. i think that is why people mark down important things in life. tangibility is so important, especially when the progress is slow to see. maybe that was why my mother would mark on the wall in the kitchen how tall i was getting. i wanted so much to be tall like her and all those marks made me so happy. sometimes they were further apart and sometimes closer together, but they always went up. in life it's not like growing as a kid...obviously kid's don't shrink and it's all forward motion, but the marker is still important. somedays i go backwards with where i am at in my attitude, getting discouraged for no other reason than that i have drifted away from my purposes. then i get out my milestones and bring myself back to reality. i can see my journals from years ago and see my emotional growth. i can look at the music i sing and see vocal growth. now i can look at pictures and see my physical growth.
today i took pictures so i could see how my body is changing with the weightlifting. i have felt so weird consuming the necessary calories to put on muscle mass. when one is eating clean (or mostly so), 2,200 calories is a lot of food. i worry that i will get fat. i don't get fat. i feel my clothes fitting differently, but not from weight loss. not yet. my body is shifting. i can't quite see in the mirror an accurate representation of my body. so i took some pictures. i want to feel shallow, but i am so proud of what my commitment and hard work in the gym has done with my body. my shoulders are coming in and i have shape to my arms. where there was skin and bones on my back in december is now shapely with baby muscles. i am only really 3 weeks into a really consistent plan of eating and lifting weights. i have 9 more weeks to work on my strength foundation and putting on mass before i will re-evaluate and maybe start in on the cardio and cut back my calories to a normal level. there is no rushing this process and i know that, but it was important for me to see some tangible progress to keep that fire stoked. i can feel my arms becoming denser and feel my core getting harder, but to see it in a picture was really worth a thousand words, especially to that inner part of me that doesn't speak in words, that place that speaks in feelings and energy.
today i am proud of myself. i am proud to be me. i have been sober for 1,538 days. i sing verdi and wagner and strauss. i can bench press the bar and don't need a spot on my sets. today i was of service to others. all of these things will change tomorrow, but if i can stay faithful to me they will all change for the better. it all comes from love.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Finding Refuge
i like stability. i like predictability. i like schedules. i love to know what i am going to do and when i am going to do it. i long for the time when i will have operas booked years in advance and i will be able to say what city i will be in on any given day should i want to know. it sounds like heaven to have all my "i"s dotted and "t"s crossed. i'm sure there will be challenges once i get there, but that kind of mindset is what keeps me out of the moment. lately it's been of the utmost importance that i stay in the moment and not tune out and get unproductive. i got basically fired from my job because of the opera that i chose to sing and so now, every day, i am job hunting and sending out resumes and have no set schedule or income to speak of. things are definitely not stable and things are not predictable and they are heavy. i have reached a point where i can give in and drown or find my inner marine and go to war.
while i normally don't like to "fight" anything, preferring to float downstream while maintaining my inner alignment...i have found that there is a time and a place to get my ancestral berserker on and come at my circumstances with my axe swinging. no one can hold my hand or keep me company while i am going to restaurants with my cap in hand and a fresh resume. in the same way, i have to practice alone. i learn my notes urged on by that inner fire that i alone can stoke. today my gym buddy flaked on me and i totally quailed. i nearly didn't go to the gym because i wanted my buddy and wanted a companion. yet again i had to dig deep and keep up what little schedule i am still able to have. i am grateful for the singing and for the gym because in the midst of this storm i am able to find solace and peace in my pursuits. i grabbed my gear and headed off to the gym, knowing that i would be sad ultimately if i didn't go and proud after if i did go. there was such resistance in me to heading into the free weight room alone, but once i got there and got into my routine, i found my peace. i found an hour in which unemployment was not the foremost pressing thing in my mind. for an hour i thought of sets and reps and form and, "where the hell did the 15 pound dumbbells get to?" i got to concentrate on breathing in and out. to have my life simplified to that degree is a wonderful thing.
now i'm curled up on the couch, renewed from my time at the piano and my time at the gym. my inner journey continues as i show up for myself in body, mind and spirit. it's all simple self-care undertaken from a loving place, knowing that one day the voice will sound the way i hear it in my head and that one day the body i picture in my mind will be the body i see in the mirror. hard work become transformative when it takes place as my refuge; it becomes a peaceful journey.
while i normally don't like to "fight" anything, preferring to float downstream while maintaining my inner alignment...i have found that there is a time and a place to get my ancestral berserker on and come at my circumstances with my axe swinging. no one can hold my hand or keep me company while i am going to restaurants with my cap in hand and a fresh resume. in the same way, i have to practice alone. i learn my notes urged on by that inner fire that i alone can stoke. today my gym buddy flaked on me and i totally quailed. i nearly didn't go to the gym because i wanted my buddy and wanted a companion. yet again i had to dig deep and keep up what little schedule i am still able to have. i am grateful for the singing and for the gym because in the midst of this storm i am able to find solace and peace in my pursuits. i grabbed my gear and headed off to the gym, knowing that i would be sad ultimately if i didn't go and proud after if i did go. there was such resistance in me to heading into the free weight room alone, but once i got there and got into my routine, i found my peace. i found an hour in which unemployment was not the foremost pressing thing in my mind. for an hour i thought of sets and reps and form and, "where the hell did the 15 pound dumbbells get to?" i got to concentrate on breathing in and out. to have my life simplified to that degree is a wonderful thing.
now i'm curled up on the couch, renewed from my time at the piano and my time at the gym. my inner journey continues as i show up for myself in body, mind and spirit. it's all simple self-care undertaken from a loving place, knowing that one day the voice will sound the way i hear it in my head and that one day the body i picture in my mind will be the body i see in the mirror. hard work become transformative when it takes place as my refuge; it becomes a peaceful journey.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Extreme-ism
it started off a little flurry of comments and it amazed me that no one said anything really admirable other than a blip about discipline. the comments were overwhelmingly not in favor of erin's look for olympia. there was one comment that really got me thinking and it was about how extremes are not healthy in any way, mentally, physically etc. i got to thinking about extremes and about the stigma that bodybuilding has, especially for women.
what if i had posted this picture?
or this one?
these are both inspiring women who are at the top of their fields. the first is a russian ballerina (i stole the pic from the new york times article about her dancing at city center) and the second is the winner of the 2012 boston marathon last week.
both of these are extremes that would have been applauded, not instantly criticized. professional ballerinas are artists and athletes and their artform takes a tremendous toll on them physically. they break and deform their feet and maintain extremely low levels of body fat because that is what is seen as "ideal" in their world. they are seen almost unanimously as beautiful in their "extreme-ness." people do not say, "oh, she did that to be sexy or desirable." they understand that it's passion, for the most part, that drives these ballerinas.
the marathon runner has the ideal body for her sport and her sport is extreme by any stretch of the imagination and generally distant from the debate of beautiful or not. there is no debate about whether the extreme-ness of this sport is ok or somehow shallow on some spiritual level.
opera singers are extreme in the field of singing. while not a "sport," opera is a highly tuned physical undertaking that must be done with great care so as not to cause permanent physical damage to the singer's cords. one could argue that the professional opera singers pay for their passion not so much physically (although there is a toll that is taken from the constant traveling and need to be able to sing on a dime) but emotionally. with this form of expression there is never a debate about whether said singer is doing this to "feel pretty."
i can see how bodybuilding can be perceived as a "meathead" occupation undertaken by folks with no self esteem so that the opposite sex will find them attractive. i used to think that. i was the most judgemental person of them all. when i saw pictures of shredded girls, i would be the first to say, "oh, how disgusting," rather than seeing the work, discipline and passion that went into sculpting a living canvas into the "ideal" for the sport. what is "ideal" in each discipline varies. what works for one won't work for another and so i think the debate of what is healthier or "better" should be kept within the confines of the sport at hand.
the new wave of bodybuilders, and what attracted me to the sport in the first place, are very vocal about the inner journey, self-care and helping others. it isn't so much look at me for the sake of look at me. it's about showing what the body can do when there is exercise and nutrition involved. it's nearly an art form in which a foundation is created and then the surface fat eliminated so that, for one day, the underlying structure is revealed in its very human glory.
i think that going to an extreme such as being the best in the world at what you do is applaudable provided that the primary motivation is that the thing you are doing lights up your soul. there is not really any evidence that we come round this life more than once, so i am all for finding your passion and going after it as far as you want.
my motivation for everything i do is to expand love and joy and to help others from my place of expanded joy. any other motivation will leave me unfulfilled ultimately. i left academia knowing it would disappoint those people who saw me as having a future there because it didn't leave me breathless and happy. i think that continuing in something because one is talented and others expect it is as sure a failure as any because there is no inside payoff, no joy. be a bank teller or a restaurant manager if that speaks to you. find what makes you happy and share the joy with others. the ultimate balance is finding peace within.
i will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite fitness girls, jamie eason.
"i hope to leave a legacy as a person who truly loves people and is passionate about helping them."
she is on the cover of ironman.
Idol Syndrome
american idol has created a little hiccup in my life. i will expand. when someone hears that i am an opera singer, the first thing they ask is where am i singing...at la opera? when i say that i am still training because my voice isn't ready yet (i'm 31 years old, let's remember) they want to know why and then immediately suggest that i go on american idol or america's got talent. this is just one symptom of a broken culture that eats mcdonalds. people think that talent needs to be famous right now and that it's somehow a good thing to bypass years of training, practice and real world experience as a person in order to be famous or get a record contract. mariah carey has already spoken out about the skipping of the artistic development, so i'm not going to address that part of it. i am going to speak about the broken concept we as a culture have about time.
when i told people that i wanted to start bodybuilding, no one suggested a fast way to become a competitive athlete. people did say things like, "wow, that will take a lot of time and discipline to develop that kind of body." there is an understanding, to a point, that building muscles and asking your body to change with and for you that people don't have of musicians, especially singers. a woman's voice doesn't physiologically settle down till her early to mid thirties. opera is the neurosurgery of the singing world. the tightrope walkers, if you will. one wrong technique or one misstep and the voice is "dead" for a career in opera as a principle singer. starting to sing professionally before the technique and the physical development of the voice are ready is setting one up for a five year career instead of a twenty five year career. thus, i am waiting....waiting tables and waiting for my body to age and for my breath to cooperate with my brain and my body. i am practicing and creating a physical foundation as a singer and a musician from which i can create art.
as far as the difference in the type of singing needed for these shows versus what i do in opera, all i can say is...if i were training to be a professional soccer player, you wouldn't ask me to try out for a rugby team, would you? opera is a specialty. those who are pursuing careers as principle singers don't generally branch out. it would be putting energy that could be put into my focus into something that is not my focus and not my passion.
i am so grateful for beginning my lifting of weights since it has slowed down my thinking as far as the opera goes. in my head i know that i will be ready to start singing professionally around age 33, but i still want to push for sooner. i see people i know beginning their careers and i want to be included. i have to remember that i am building a foundation for my voice and my career and not theirs. no one gets to say where or when is right for another person and i wish i could remember that more. we all get our own paths and choices in this life and each is as valid as the other. there is no shame in waiting constructively.
today i stay in the moment while building for tomorrow's rewards, remembering that faster does not necessarily mean better.
when i told people that i wanted to start bodybuilding, no one suggested a fast way to become a competitive athlete. people did say things like, "wow, that will take a lot of time and discipline to develop that kind of body." there is an understanding, to a point, that building muscles and asking your body to change with and for you that people don't have of musicians, especially singers. a woman's voice doesn't physiologically settle down till her early to mid thirties. opera is the neurosurgery of the singing world. the tightrope walkers, if you will. one wrong technique or one misstep and the voice is "dead" for a career in opera as a principle singer. starting to sing professionally before the technique and the physical development of the voice are ready is setting one up for a five year career instead of a twenty five year career. thus, i am waiting....waiting tables and waiting for my body to age and for my breath to cooperate with my brain and my body. i am practicing and creating a physical foundation as a singer and a musician from which i can create art.
as far as the difference in the type of singing needed for these shows versus what i do in opera, all i can say is...if i were training to be a professional soccer player, you wouldn't ask me to try out for a rugby team, would you? opera is a specialty. those who are pursuing careers as principle singers don't generally branch out. it would be putting energy that could be put into my focus into something that is not my focus and not my passion.
i am so grateful for beginning my lifting of weights since it has slowed down my thinking as far as the opera goes. in my head i know that i will be ready to start singing professionally around age 33, but i still want to push for sooner. i see people i know beginning their careers and i want to be included. i have to remember that i am building a foundation for my voice and my career and not theirs. no one gets to say where or when is right for another person and i wish i could remember that more. we all get our own paths and choices in this life and each is as valid as the other. there is no shame in waiting constructively.
today i stay in the moment while building for tomorrow's rewards, remembering that faster does not necessarily mean better.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Baby Steps
i get really upset sometimes when i try to lift weights and find out just how weak i have let my body become. i become retroactively abusive to myself, berating myself for my past inaction and apathy. how could i do this to myself? who does this? the answer doesn't even matter anymore. going into that headspace of morbidly microscoping things that have already happened, things i can't change, is purely destructive. the only place this thought process leads to is darkness. there is no productive, loving action as a result of beating myself up over the past.
"i forgive myself all the mistakes i have ever made in every direction of time."
someone gave that saying to my best friend once and it stuck inside me. the other day i realized that shame and guilt and anger are the jailkeepers of my soul. these feelings hold my spirit in a dark cell and the key to the lock is forgiveness and it has to start with me. i have to forgive myself before i can move into love, gratitude and joy. until i can forgive myself i can't really forgive anyone else because deep down i still hate myself for doing whatever it is that i am trying to forgive someone else for...and so there is no cleansing. when i can forgive myself i can also properly make apologies and offer amends because then i am already free inside and am being loving and not selfish in my apology. forgiveness gives me the freedom to be sincere.
i came to forgive myself for all the lessons and rehearsals that i have shown up to totally unprepared. i have injured others and wasted their time, but also hurt the little child inside me that loves to sing. i am not a fragile singer, i made myself that way by repeating patterns of behavior that came to an end when i forgave myself and decided to take responsibility for my learning of music and preparation. i don't have to forgive myself for today's rehearsal. it was a turning point in my life as a singer, an adult and a human being. i have peace with how today's rehearsal went. i was not a mess and i was able to stay in the moment, support the other singers and be part of. sure, there are little pieces that i need to woodshed, but not pages. i didn't learn anything incorrectly. i was there 100% and i am proud of myself. i expanded joy and sang from a loving place.
today i was gentle with myself, my voice and my body and, as a result, i was gentle with others.
"i forgive myself all the mistakes i have ever made in every direction of time."
someone gave that saying to my best friend once and it stuck inside me. the other day i realized that shame and guilt and anger are the jailkeepers of my soul. these feelings hold my spirit in a dark cell and the key to the lock is forgiveness and it has to start with me. i have to forgive myself before i can move into love, gratitude and joy. until i can forgive myself i can't really forgive anyone else because deep down i still hate myself for doing whatever it is that i am trying to forgive someone else for...and so there is no cleansing. when i can forgive myself i can also properly make apologies and offer amends because then i am already free inside and am being loving and not selfish in my apology. forgiveness gives me the freedom to be sincere.
i came to forgive myself for all the lessons and rehearsals that i have shown up to totally unprepared. i have injured others and wasted their time, but also hurt the little child inside me that loves to sing. i am not a fragile singer, i made myself that way by repeating patterns of behavior that came to an end when i forgave myself and decided to take responsibility for my learning of music and preparation. i don't have to forgive myself for today's rehearsal. it was a turning point in my life as a singer, an adult and a human being. i have peace with how today's rehearsal went. i was not a mess and i was able to stay in the moment, support the other singers and be part of. sure, there are little pieces that i need to woodshed, but not pages. i didn't learn anything incorrectly. i was there 100% and i am proud of myself. i expanded joy and sang from a loving place.
today i was gentle with myself, my voice and my body and, as a result, i was gentle with others.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
thank you for my toes. thank you for my heels. thank you for my feet. thank you for my ankles. thank you for my shins. thank you for my calves...
someone once said that if the only prayer you ever say is "thank you" that it would be enough. i am finding that gratitude is the greatest multi-purpose life-changer that there is. gratitude reminds me of where the love comes from that motivates my actions. gratitude can take me from being a weepy basketcase to being an empowered woman in action. now, granted, sometimes the action is simplt that i am not wallowing in self-pity, i wash my face and go to bed...but sometimes going to bed is the next right indicated action.
i am thankful for the coaching that i had today and superthankful for having a loving, competent guide to the ropes of verdi's opera. i am behind where i need to be in putting this role together and my first rehearsal is on sunday afternoon. my life got scary and dramatic and i let this foreign object growing unbidden in my breast to take priority over the music. fear got the better of me and took me to apathy and inaction. i tried to forget that life is in session and i really need to show up. i am hoping to prepare enough to get by, but i want this to be the last time that i feel truly unprepared because of my own inaction. i want to be the best that i can be and to show up prepared to GiVe. i want to make life easier for others in the rehearsal. i want people to feel they can trust me. i want to trust me. i want to show up without doubts as to my ability to sing the role properly. i want to show up knowing that i won't let the director down. i want to show up with joy in my heart. i am grateful that i have the ability to make this happen. i have a lot of work to do tomorrow before i go to my job. i will write a list on paper and do that.
tonight after i worked out my legs (the legs i am grateful for, the legs that work) i had a sit down with a man who is going to help me learn how to achieve my fitness goals. another person to be grateful for. he didn't laugh at my goals and didn't disparage me because of the state of my body. he went to solution and started making a plan for me. we are starting at the very beginning, a very good place to start. for the first few months i will be "bulking" my muscles...or rather coaxing muscles that are hibernating to come out and show themselves. they are there, but they have been dormant. it's much like finding my voice in this role. while i'm learning it the voice tends to hide and then comes out when the notes and the words are in my body and it's time to fine-tune the voice. right now we will be cultivating the presence of my muscles. i will have to consume more calories and work twice as hard and i am ready to do it. part of me quails at asking my body to come through for me, but i am confident that if i give it the right fuel and the right attitude that it will show up as well.
thank you for my breath. thank you for my soul. thank you for who i am because who i am is wonderful. thank you.
someone once said that if the only prayer you ever say is "thank you" that it would be enough. i am finding that gratitude is the greatest multi-purpose life-changer that there is. gratitude reminds me of where the love comes from that motivates my actions. gratitude can take me from being a weepy basketcase to being an empowered woman in action. now, granted, sometimes the action is simplt that i am not wallowing in self-pity, i wash my face and go to bed...but sometimes going to bed is the next right indicated action.
i am thankful for the coaching that i had today and superthankful for having a loving, competent guide to the ropes of verdi's opera. i am behind where i need to be in putting this role together and my first rehearsal is on sunday afternoon. my life got scary and dramatic and i let this foreign object growing unbidden in my breast to take priority over the music. fear got the better of me and took me to apathy and inaction. i tried to forget that life is in session and i really need to show up. i am hoping to prepare enough to get by, but i want this to be the last time that i feel truly unprepared because of my own inaction. i want to be the best that i can be and to show up prepared to GiVe. i want to make life easier for others in the rehearsal. i want people to feel they can trust me. i want to trust me. i want to show up without doubts as to my ability to sing the role properly. i want to show up knowing that i won't let the director down. i want to show up with joy in my heart. i am grateful that i have the ability to make this happen. i have a lot of work to do tomorrow before i go to my job. i will write a list on paper and do that.
tonight after i worked out my legs (the legs i am grateful for, the legs that work) i had a sit down with a man who is going to help me learn how to achieve my fitness goals. another person to be grateful for. he didn't laugh at my goals and didn't disparage me because of the state of my body. he went to solution and started making a plan for me. we are starting at the very beginning, a very good place to start. for the first few months i will be "bulking" my muscles...or rather coaxing muscles that are hibernating to come out and show themselves. they are there, but they have been dormant. it's much like finding my voice in this role. while i'm learning it the voice tends to hide and then comes out when the notes and the words are in my body and it's time to fine-tune the voice. right now we will be cultivating the presence of my muscles. i will have to consume more calories and work twice as hard and i am ready to do it. part of me quails at asking my body to come through for me, but i am confident that if i give it the right fuel and the right attitude that it will show up as well.
thank you for my breath. thank you for my soul. thank you for who i am because who i am is wonderful. thank you.
Tangible Reality
for whatever reason, i have a hard time writing things down on paper: shopping lists, schedules, budgets...goals. writing things down has been shown time and time again to "make" the things written down more "real." writing with a pen has this great ability to slow the minds thoughts down to the speed of the pen, thus focusing said mind on the task at hand. this may be why i prefer to type. i can type nearly as fast as i can think. i realized a couple days back that i haven't ever physically written down any of my goals in life. i haven't ever written down short-term goals as in "what would i like to accomplish in this practice session?"
when i took a long moment to ponder this seemingly small thing, i came to the startling conclusion that i don't write down my goals because i am deathly afraid of achieving them. i am comfortable, albeit not happy, in mediocrity and failure. i am afraid of succeeding because the times that i have really gone there and been a shining thing...someone has said or done something mean to me. i know i'm overly sensitive like most artists, but my fear of another girl's judgement (it's always girls, i don't have an answer for this at the moment) is paralyzing me. the word "potential" frightens me because i have some and the some that i have i am not using to its fullest. i have not been a good caretaker of my talent.
these things thusly discovered, i now have to make the shift from ashamed and guilty to love. i want to beat myself up and further this by not practicing and somehow submarining what i am capable of doing. i have to love myself into action and remember that showing up for myself in my practice session is showing up ahead of time for others in rehearsal. being a contralto means that i am not the "star" and that what i sing is generally right in the middle of the pile in ensemble singing. i provide a foundation for the soprano to fly and to be a star. it's essential to provide a good foundation. it's important that i show up prepared with my music, that i stay in the moment, and lovingly provide that foundation. i must be selfless. it's an interesting spot for a performer to find herself, knowing that a good performance ensures another's success. all performers want to be the one receiving the accolades, but being a contralto i will generally sing small supporting roles for most of my career. to be successful i need to cultivate a prepared un-selfish and giving stage presence. it's imperative to remember to sing from love.
today i have a coaching and i will be writing down in a paper notebook what i want to accomplish. i don't want to fly by the seat of my pants anymore. i want a map to guide me.
in singing i am perfectly capable of setting goals and knowing what i am capable of, with bodybuilding i am quite in the dark. i have enlisted the help of one more knowledgable than i, and tonight we are going to write down goals for me...the map to finding my guns. i make maps of what exercises i want to do before i go to the gym, so i don't wander about, but now i need to make a map of mile markers and when i want to pass them. i am strangely comforted in the making of these maps. one little step at a time, one day at a time, one weight, one phrase...i don't have to do anything allatonce.
today i am going to fold laundry from love, i will sing from love, i will lift weights from love, all the time knowing that the love i cultivate for myself will spill over into the lives of others. i can't change myself without changing the world around me. i am not in an autonomous bubble floating through life, i am a person who is inextricably entangled in the world around me...and it's wonderful.
when i took a long moment to ponder this seemingly small thing, i came to the startling conclusion that i don't write down my goals because i am deathly afraid of achieving them. i am comfortable, albeit not happy, in mediocrity and failure. i am afraid of succeeding because the times that i have really gone there and been a shining thing...someone has said or done something mean to me. i know i'm overly sensitive like most artists, but my fear of another girl's judgement (it's always girls, i don't have an answer for this at the moment) is paralyzing me. the word "potential" frightens me because i have some and the some that i have i am not using to its fullest. i have not been a good caretaker of my talent.
these things thusly discovered, i now have to make the shift from ashamed and guilty to love. i want to beat myself up and further this by not practicing and somehow submarining what i am capable of doing. i have to love myself into action and remember that showing up for myself in my practice session is showing up ahead of time for others in rehearsal. being a contralto means that i am not the "star" and that what i sing is generally right in the middle of the pile in ensemble singing. i provide a foundation for the soprano to fly and to be a star. it's essential to provide a good foundation. it's important that i show up prepared with my music, that i stay in the moment, and lovingly provide that foundation. i must be selfless. it's an interesting spot for a performer to find herself, knowing that a good performance ensures another's success. all performers want to be the one receiving the accolades, but being a contralto i will generally sing small supporting roles for most of my career. to be successful i need to cultivate a prepared un-selfish and giving stage presence. it's imperative to remember to sing from love.
today i have a coaching and i will be writing down in a paper notebook what i want to accomplish. i don't want to fly by the seat of my pants anymore. i want a map to guide me.
in singing i am perfectly capable of setting goals and knowing what i am capable of, with bodybuilding i am quite in the dark. i have enlisted the help of one more knowledgable than i, and tonight we are going to write down goals for me...the map to finding my guns. i make maps of what exercises i want to do before i go to the gym, so i don't wander about, but now i need to make a map of mile markers and when i want to pass them. i am strangely comforted in the making of these maps. one little step at a time, one day at a time, one weight, one phrase...i don't have to do anything allatonce.
today i am going to fold laundry from love, i will sing from love, i will lift weights from love, all the time knowing that the love i cultivate for myself will spill over into the lives of others. i can't change myself without changing the world around me. i am not in an autonomous bubble floating through life, i am a person who is inextricably entangled in the world around me...and it's wonderful.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Finding Time
budgeting time is about the same as budgeting money, or at least that is what i am finding out seems to be true most of the time. i have always had a problem with both, whether finding the motivation or the follow through after the motivation. discipline is hard and it becomes harder to do the older i get. the rub comes in when i found myself nickel and diming myself out of pursuing my dreams financially and then realized that it carried over into my time. a movie here and chinese food there and i just couldn't find a way to pay my rent on time much less take voice lessons. the serious palm to forehead moment came when one of my bosses told me to write down every dollar that i spend and every dollar that i make and see where the money goes and comes. she told me to look hard at my finances and find a way to make my dreams come true. a day or two into doing that and i began to look at how i was using my time...since i just can't seem to find time between my two jobs to go to the gym and practice singing. i do struggle with over-committing and finding that my body just won't come through for me. i've still got some fun injuries from getting hit by that truck that are getting the upper hand over me sometimes, especially when it gets cold. these injuries are part of something that i couldn't control, but how these injuries play into my future life, to a certain extent, i can control. i can budget my time so that i can build some nice, strong muscles to hold my joints solid when the temperature drops.
today i found myself actively budgeting my time on the fly. i had to scrub stains out of my work shirts, run the laundry so i have clean clothes for work, get in an arm workout, starch and iron a shirt and shower...all before going to job number one and later to job number two. today wasn't a music day, but tomorrow will be. i'll be damned if i didn't find a way to do everything and not kill myself. i had to get out the 2 lb dumbells and the yoga mat and work my arms while the clothes were in the washer and then shower while they were in the dryer. i got it all done and managed to be at work on time, although i did forget my pants for job number two and had to buy some new ones right before work. i hope i never forget my pants again.
just for today i found that if i keep my goals first and foremost, focusing on what i really want, that i can accomplish more.
today i found myself actively budgeting my time on the fly. i had to scrub stains out of my work shirts, run the laundry so i have clean clothes for work, get in an arm workout, starch and iron a shirt and shower...all before going to job number one and later to job number two. today wasn't a music day, but tomorrow will be. i'll be damned if i didn't find a way to do everything and not kill myself. i had to get out the 2 lb dumbells and the yoga mat and work my arms while the clothes were in the washer and then shower while they were in the dryer. i got it all done and managed to be at work on time, although i did forget my pants for job number two and had to buy some new ones right before work. i hope i never forget my pants again.
just for today i found that if i keep my goals first and foremost, focusing on what i really want, that i can accomplish more.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Day One
the first post is the hardest. i keep asking myself why i should keep a record of what i do and how i am feeling while on this journey and i have to remind myself that if i inspire one person to change the way they live to a more effective way, then i have been a success.
i sing opera. opera takes a long time to build a career in and i am still training. opera is long sighted and plans are made years in advance. each practice session is undertaken with short and long term goals. today i will keep my voice on the tracks and i will learn all the notes in the right order. i am learning this piece because it is part of a role that will go on my resume and will give someone who might want to hire me an idea of who i am as a singer...although that day is years away. today i must love the journey. i love the art form, i love my voice and i love myself enough to take the hour to sing and the time to, unsinging, look over what i am learning. i set goals and the love keeps me in action.
i went to the gym today. it is the first day of my journey in bodybuilding. this is a journey stemming from love. this journey is fraught with my own fears and insecurities that i must love into oblivion. with singing, i am more comfortable. i have experience and a trained voice. i know the ropes. i am a nascent bodybuilder. my body is weak, but willing. my spirit is willing and sometimes weaker than my body. to start this journey i had to make the transition from going to the gym out of shame and a selfish desire to look "bangin" to going out of love for the meatball suit that holds my soul. i am the caretaker of this body and while i haven't been absent, i haven't been pro-active. i would go to the gym out of shame for being bigger than the other girls. mind you, i'm 5'11" so that goes without saying, but shame took me to the gym. i was ashamed that my thighs are big and ashamed that i am not athletic and have no muscles to speak of. i would arrive and see the girls who are fit and shame would take me back home again, broken. my body would give out on me from my shame pushing it past where it could go. then guilt would take over and i would sit at home, marinating in shame and guilt and self-loathing.
one day i realized that i hurt when it gets cold. at 31, i needed to think of the future and how i want to feel as i'm aging. i looked at my injured, malnourished and tired body and there was a shift in my thinking. i came to see that i love my insides and i've shown up to grow and change, but only inside. i knew that the love could and would spill over to my outsides if i would let myself get vulnerable and get into action. get into a space where i didn't know a lot, needed to learn tons, and where i would be challenged to see myself as deserving of a healthy body. from that place of love i found bodybuilding. i've never been sporty, but this is a sport undertaken alone where the person you compete against every day is yourself. i lost all my muscles a couple years back when a car hit me in the crosswalk. i need to build muscles and build discipline and so this seemed like the perfect fit for me.
i have goals on this journey, both long and short term. long term i would like to do a fitness show and have a career singing professional opera. short term i want to show up for vocal practice, give 100% in rehearsals, lessons and coaching...and show up in the gym each day with a plan, go to the pain cave with a joyful spirit and then eat in such a way to support my goals both vocally and physically.
today i memorized words and patterns to the role i am learning in the opera Rigoletto. today i went to the gym and did legs. i could only lift 50 pounds with my legs. next week i will lift more. tomorrow i will do arms and abs and i will put words and notes together.
just for today i will believe in the power of love to put me into action and that the action will serve others as it serves me. today i choose love over shame.
i sing opera. opera takes a long time to build a career in and i am still training. opera is long sighted and plans are made years in advance. each practice session is undertaken with short and long term goals. today i will keep my voice on the tracks and i will learn all the notes in the right order. i am learning this piece because it is part of a role that will go on my resume and will give someone who might want to hire me an idea of who i am as a singer...although that day is years away. today i must love the journey. i love the art form, i love my voice and i love myself enough to take the hour to sing and the time to, unsinging, look over what i am learning. i set goals and the love keeps me in action.
i went to the gym today. it is the first day of my journey in bodybuilding. this is a journey stemming from love. this journey is fraught with my own fears and insecurities that i must love into oblivion. with singing, i am more comfortable. i have experience and a trained voice. i know the ropes. i am a nascent bodybuilder. my body is weak, but willing. my spirit is willing and sometimes weaker than my body. to start this journey i had to make the transition from going to the gym out of shame and a selfish desire to look "bangin" to going out of love for the meatball suit that holds my soul. i am the caretaker of this body and while i haven't been absent, i haven't been pro-active. i would go to the gym out of shame for being bigger than the other girls. mind you, i'm 5'11" so that goes without saying, but shame took me to the gym. i was ashamed that my thighs are big and ashamed that i am not athletic and have no muscles to speak of. i would arrive and see the girls who are fit and shame would take me back home again, broken. my body would give out on me from my shame pushing it past where it could go. then guilt would take over and i would sit at home, marinating in shame and guilt and self-loathing.
one day i realized that i hurt when it gets cold. at 31, i needed to think of the future and how i want to feel as i'm aging. i looked at my injured, malnourished and tired body and there was a shift in my thinking. i came to see that i love my insides and i've shown up to grow and change, but only inside. i knew that the love could and would spill over to my outsides if i would let myself get vulnerable and get into action. get into a space where i didn't know a lot, needed to learn tons, and where i would be challenged to see myself as deserving of a healthy body. from that place of love i found bodybuilding. i've never been sporty, but this is a sport undertaken alone where the person you compete against every day is yourself. i lost all my muscles a couple years back when a car hit me in the crosswalk. i need to build muscles and build discipline and so this seemed like the perfect fit for me.
i have goals on this journey, both long and short term. long term i would like to do a fitness show and have a career singing professional opera. short term i want to show up for vocal practice, give 100% in rehearsals, lessons and coaching...and show up in the gym each day with a plan, go to the pain cave with a joyful spirit and then eat in such a way to support my goals both vocally and physically.
today i memorized words and patterns to the role i am learning in the opera Rigoletto. today i went to the gym and did legs. i could only lift 50 pounds with my legs. next week i will lift more. tomorrow i will do arms and abs and i will put words and notes together.
just for today i will believe in the power of love to put me into action and that the action will serve others as it serves me. today i choose love over shame.
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