Mile Markers

when i sing i hear my voice but it is different for me that for those who hear me. oftentimes, when i think i am sounding amazing, it is because i have sucked my sound into my head where i can hear it better but in doing so have cheated the listeners of my best. this is why i have a voice teacher. she is there to hear my voice for me. she hears what i cannot. sometimes when i think i have just screeched out some banshee-like high note, it turns out that i have sung it perfectly. what i heard was distorted. this is why singers record their lessons and coachings. it's a way to hear what i cannot and a way to measure my progress. i can look back and see where i came from and where i am going. i can see what persists as a problem and what is cake now. i can hear what is correct and remember how it felt so i can do it again even when i hear shrieking inside my head. i can hear what happens when i get self conscious or when my ego butts in. i can hear a melt-down happening when i listen to the recordings and i can also hear when the muse begins to breathe for me and i let go and let her sing.

milestones are important. with every job and undertaking, it's vital to give myself checkpoints. i want to see my progress and i want to see where i was and be inspired to keep going. when i got sober i took chips. aa is very smart about this. the milestones for the newly sober occur at 30, 60 and 90 days and then again at 6 and 9 months. it's so important to remind those attempting something they thought to be previously unnattainable that they are indeed doing it and to have a tangible marker. i think that is why people mark down important things in life. tangibility is so important, especially when the progress is slow to see. maybe that was why my mother would mark on the wall in the kitchen how tall i was getting. i wanted so much to be tall like her and all those marks made me so happy. sometimes they were further apart and sometimes closer together, but they always went up. in life it's not like growing as a kid...obviously kid's don't shrink and it's all forward motion, but the marker is still important. somedays i go backwards with where i am at in my attitude, getting discouraged for no other reason than that i have drifted away from my purposes. then i get out my milestones and bring myself back to reality. i can see my journals from years ago and see my emotional growth. i can look at the music i sing and see vocal growth. now i can look at pictures and see my physical growth.

today i took pictures so i could see how my body is changing with the weightlifting. i have felt so weird consuming the necessary calories to put on muscle mass. when one is eating clean (or mostly so), 2,200 calories is a lot of food. i worry that i will get fat. i don't get fat. i feel my clothes fitting differently, but not from weight loss. not yet. my body is shifting. i can't quite see in the mirror an accurate representation of my body. so i took some pictures. i want to feel shallow, but i am so proud of what my commitment and hard work in the gym has done with my body. my shoulders are coming in and i have shape to my arms. where there was skin and bones on my back in december is now shapely with baby muscles. i am only really 3 weeks into a really consistent plan of eating and lifting weights. i have 9 more weeks to work on my strength foundation and putting on mass before i will re-evaluate and maybe start in on the cardio and cut back my calories to a normal level. there is no rushing this process and i know that, but it was important for me to see some tangible progress to keep that fire stoked. i can feel my arms becoming denser and feel my core getting harder, but to see it in a picture was really worth a thousand words, especially to that inner part of me that doesn't speak in words, that place that speaks in feelings and energy.

today i am proud of myself. i am proud to be me. i have been sober for 1,538 days. i sing verdi and wagner and strauss. i can bench press the bar and don't need a spot on my sets. today i was of service to others. all of these things will change tomorrow, but if i can stay faithful to me they will all change for the better. it all comes from love.