i have been watching some tv during this down time and it has brought up some thoughts. the show i've gotten hooked on is "extreme make-over: weight loss edition." in this show the trainer, chris powell, takes the super obese and, over the course of a year, teaches them a healthy, sustainable lifestyle and guides them to their weight loss goals. what i love about this show is that it takes a year to complete the "transformation." i love that chris calls the change a transformation. he not only teaches these folks to exercise, but helps them face down the issues in their own lives and hearts that caused them to become super obese. sustainable change always begins with a person taking responsibility for their part in the given situation. ignoring the underlying causes is, in my opinion, why some folks get a gastric bypass and then need another one a few years later. in most cases a bariatric surgery is a quick-fix band-aid. i know a few people who have undergone these surgeries only to become fat kids inside a thinner body. they still have food issues, self-esteem trouble, and mountains of self doubt. nearly all of them throw up at every meal from either eating too fast, trying yet again to eat something that won't "fit" through the lap band, or trying to eat at the pace of a normal person. all of these people, with no exceptions, live in fear that they will somehow gain the weight back. none of them would have their lap bands taken off now that they are not obese. they live in fear. the lap band rules their lives. it seems sad to me that these people have gone from sad, obese people to thinner, food obsessed, malnourished people. the beauty of this show is that the people chris chooses would definitely be given bariatric surgery without a second of hesitation. this show does a lot to prove that major weight loss and lifestyle changes are possible even when working a full time job and having a family. this is not a rushed show. it takes a year for the process and these people have changed enough inside so that their changes are sustainable. their families get into the process and begin making healthier changes as well. it warms my heart to see people who are sad, ashamed, and full of doubt become empowered individuals who believe in themselves and are proud of their ability to affect change in their own lives.
after watching a few of these, especially the women, a thought occurred to me. these girls describe the way they feel inside the same way i've heard normal girls talk about feeling. i think that even pretty girls can be prisoners of their bodies. there are prejudices and preconceived notions about pretty girls just as much as there is for fat girls...and the most awful judgements come from other women. pretty girls are seen as anorexic, dumb, whorish, bitches and on and on before saying one word. fat girls are seen as sloppy, undisciplined, and so forth. pretty girls have pressure on them to keep up their body and to be outwardly powerful and to have it all together. they have just as many raging self-esteem issues as the big girls. they are both held prisoner in their own bodies, both from outward pressures and from their own personal battles. listening to both girls talk about their bodies, i have heard one common thread: i am not good enough. i don't deserve love and respect. i am not free to be me.
there are always those who point the finger at our culture of skinny worship, magazines full of diet plans and stars who are said to be "fat" at a size 4. i would say that there is not going to be a sustainable change in the way women view themselves and their bodies until we quit looking outside ourselves with blame and excuses. the answer is found within. why do women feel that they aren't enough or that they don't deserve love and respect? there are a lot of underlying resentments of self that need to be addressed before a meal can be seen as a loving act or before peace can be made with one's body. i think that a lot of girls of "normal" size are in desperate need of a "transformation" on the scale of extreme make-over. i am not talking loss of weight; i am talking loss of sadness.
i am not sure how to work this all out in real life, but i am sure that i will find some guideposts along the way of my own life. one of the last things that i had to deal with before i could really sit down and sing on a regular and productive basis was my own feeling of being worthy. i've heard it said that procrastination is a form of self-sabotage stemming from low self esteem and i believe it. in my life that has proven itself to be true. i couldn't go to the gym until i got over my fear of success, my fear of how the world around me would react if i got in shape and lost some weight. thin or not there are always going to be rough things to negotiate, but i am confident that they will all work themselves out if i approach my life from a place of love...of knowing that i am enough. enough for what, you ask? enough for my life. not yours. mine. enough for what i choose to do. overachieving out of inferiority and fear is ultimately just as destructive as giving up. i am just enough and enough is as good as a feast. the magic of being enough is that when i follow through on the tasks i've set out for myself, i find that there is always more to give to others. there is always more of a loving enough.
finding one's own enough-ness spills out onto every area of life from relationships to jobs and hobbies. everything blossoms inside of enough. i found my enough-ness by looking at all the reasons i thought i wasn't enough, my resentments and blame. those turned into a map out of the darkness. i found my part and was able to take responsibility for the way i react to the world around me. i want to find a cohesive way to explain to other women how to find what i am discovering and a realistic way to impart a sustainable and loving way of life.
to be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment