Finding Refuge

i like stability. i like predictability. i like schedules. i love to know what i am going to do and when i am going to do it. i long for the time when i will have operas booked years in advance and i will be able to say what city i will be in on any given day should i want to know. it sounds like heaven to have all my "i"s dotted and "t"s crossed. i'm sure there will be challenges once i get there, but that kind of mindset is what keeps me out of the moment. lately it's been of the utmost importance that i stay in the moment and not tune out and get unproductive. i got basically fired from my job because of the opera that i chose to sing and so now, every day, i am job hunting and sending out resumes and have no set schedule or income to speak of. things are definitely not stable and things are not predictable and they are heavy. i have reached a point where i can give in and drown or find my inner marine and go to war.

while i normally don't like to "fight" anything, preferring to float downstream while maintaining my inner alignment...i have found that there is a time and a place to get my ancestral berserker on and come at my circumstances with my axe swinging. no one can hold my hand or keep me company while i am going to restaurants with my cap in hand and a fresh resume. in the same way, i have to practice alone. i learn my notes urged on by that inner fire that i alone can stoke. today my gym buddy flaked on me and i totally quailed. i nearly didn't go to the gym because i wanted my buddy and wanted a companion. yet again i had to dig deep and keep up what little schedule i am still able to have. i am grateful for the singing and for the gym because in the midst of this storm i am able to find solace and peace in my pursuits. i grabbed my gear and headed off to the gym, knowing that i would be sad ultimately if i didn't go and proud after if i did go. there was such resistance in me to heading into the free weight room alone, but once i got there and got into my routine, i found my peace. i found an hour in which unemployment was not the foremost pressing thing in my mind. for an hour i thought of sets and reps and form and, "where the hell did the 15 pound dumbbells get to?" i got to concentrate on breathing in and out. to have my life simplified to that degree is a wonderful thing.

now i'm curled up on the couch, renewed from my time at the piano and my time at the gym. my inner journey continues as i show up for myself in body, mind and spirit. it's all simple self-care undertaken from a loving place, knowing that one day the voice will sound the way i hear it in my head and that one day the body i picture in my mind will be the body i see in the mirror. hard work become transformative when it takes place as my refuge; it becomes a peaceful journey.