The Project of Self

projects generally have finish lines. one day i will do a figure competition and i will have "completed" the project of bodybuilding. sort of. i will have reached the outside-est goal that i have set for myself, but when i set off on this journey of fitness i undertook an undertaking that i can never "finish" in any sort of finish-y kind of way. singing is the same. while i will one day achieve various and sundry goals in singing and ultimately retire, will i ever be "done" before i am dead? it goes the same with the inner journey. i don't think that there is a finish line or a destination in personal growth and where one goes and can go in a lifetime. there are certainly goals, outer things by which we measure our lives (career, mate, children, home) but ultimately we can never be done. this brings me to my question: where are we going in such a hurry? why do we feel as though things should happen faster and while we are younger? why do we want it now? would "now" make me happy? if i got all those things now would i be content or would i crash and burn under the weight of blessings that are too weighty for my current spirit?

i guess this ties into my prior post about american idol, but this post won't be about the necessary time that my endeavours will require, but rather about my own impatience and my own quest to be slower both in mind and in expectation.

during the time i wasn't blogging i was underwater. from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell into bed at night, i was running, flailing, driving, singing, working and in a way, dying. i tried to cram too much into my life. i thought i could commit to two jobs, two shows and service for others. there is this horrible idea going around these days that busier is better. busier means that one is important; busier than you are means that i am more successful than you are. busy can be a way to avoid things that hurt. busy can be a way to avoid being a grown-up. busy can cover up all sorts of things that we don't want to see. i never, ever want to be that busy again. i loved my shows and i loved my jobs. i didn't love the two hour drive in rush hour in the sun with no air-conditioning to sing in the opera, but it was worth it. this kind of busy just abused my body. i was eating dry gas station burritos in my car as i raced from one place to the next in a constant state of anxiety because i felt that i hadn't had the time to properly prepare myself for the rehearsals and the shows. i got 3 ear infections in six weeks. the doctor said it was from stress. but i was busy. i was needed. i was getting an important role for my resume. i was being of service. i was making money to pay my rent and be an independent woman. this should have been great, right?

busy made me sick and busier really dented my spirits. i had no time for inner self-care. i had no time to just breathe and be a human. i really did feel as though i needed to do it all right then. i am glad that i had this experience because i learned that busy doesn't make me more important except in a really outer way, a way that i could never sustain since i am going into a career that requires sleep and health. i wanted to do it all now. i've always felt that i was "behind" my peers and somehow needed to catch up. there is a lot of pressure to have a certain number of roles before one is "ready" to be a professional singer. there are always people wanting to get everyone on cookie cutter journeys. can everybody just stay calm while we all have our own journeys on our own time? i want to live my life at my speed. i want to have time to drink my coffee in my pajamas in the morning. i want to eat while sitting at a table. i want to give time to my roles. i want to give time to practice. i want to go to the gym and not have to always look at my clock. i want to approach deadlines with confidence, knowing that i am ready, prepared, and that i took the time to be that way. i want to be a good budgeter of the time that i have been given. i am learning to say no. i am learning to prioritize. i am finding that honoring the time that opera and bodybuilding requires means that i have to make different choices moving forward.

i will never get "it" done. i will never be finished till i'm in my permanent dirt nap. i hope that when my time comes that i will exit this life with no regrets, having given my 100% best to everything i undertook. i want to have never loved in half measures.