Baby Steps

i get really upset sometimes when i try to lift weights and find out just how weak i have let my body become. i become retroactively abusive to myself, berating myself for my past inaction and apathy. how could i do this to myself? who does this? the answer doesn't even matter anymore. going into that headspace of morbidly microscoping things that have already happened, things i can't change, is purely destructive. the only place this thought process leads to is darkness. there is no productive, loving action as a result of beating myself up over the past.

"i forgive myself all the mistakes i have ever made in every direction of time."

someone gave that saying to my best friend once and it stuck inside me. the other day i realized that shame and guilt and anger are the jailkeepers of my soul. these feelings hold my spirit in a dark cell and the key to the lock is forgiveness and it has to start with me. i have to forgive myself before i can move into love, gratitude and joy. until i can forgive myself i can't really forgive anyone else because deep down i still hate myself for doing whatever it is that i am trying to forgive someone else for...and so there is no cleansing. when i can forgive myself i can also properly make apologies and offer amends because then i am already free inside and am being loving and not selfish in my apology. forgiveness gives me the freedom to be sincere.

i came to forgive myself for all the lessons and rehearsals that i have shown up to totally unprepared. i have injured others and wasted their time, but also hurt the little child inside me that loves to sing. i am not a fragile singer, i made myself that way by repeating patterns of behavior that came to an end when i forgave myself and decided to take responsibility for my learning of music and preparation. i don't have to forgive myself for today's rehearsal. it was a turning point in my life as a singer, an adult and a human being. i have peace with how today's rehearsal went. i was not a mess and i was able to stay in the moment, support the other singers and be part of. sure, there are little pieces that i need to woodshed, but not pages. i didn't learn anything incorrectly. i was there 100% and i am proud of myself. i expanded joy and sang from a loving place.

today i was gentle with myself, my voice and my body and, as a result, i was gentle with others.