Tangible Reality

for whatever reason, i have a hard time writing things down on paper: shopping lists, schedules, budgets...goals. writing things down has been shown time and time again to "make" the things written down more "real." writing with a pen has this great ability to slow the minds thoughts down to the speed of the pen, thus focusing said mind on the task at hand. this may be why i prefer to type. i can type nearly as fast as i can think. i realized a couple days back that i haven't ever physically written down any of my goals in life. i haven't ever written down short-term goals as in "what would i like to accomplish in this practice session?"

when i took a long moment to ponder this seemingly small thing, i came to the startling conclusion that i don't write down my goals because i am deathly afraid of achieving them. i am comfortable, albeit not happy, in mediocrity and failure. i am afraid of succeeding because the times that i have really gone there and been a shining thing...someone has said or done something mean to me. i know i'm overly sensitive like most artists, but my fear of another girl's judgement (it's always girls, i don't have an answer for this at the moment) is paralyzing me. the word "potential" frightens me because i have some and the some that i have i am not using to its fullest. i have not been a good caretaker of my talent.

these things thusly discovered, i now have to make the shift from ashamed and guilty to love. i want to beat myself up and further this by not practicing and somehow submarining what i am capable of doing. i have to love myself into action and remember that showing up for myself in my practice session is showing up ahead of time for others in rehearsal. being a contralto means that i am not the "star" and that what i sing is generally right in the middle of the pile in ensemble singing. i provide a foundation for the soprano to fly and to be a star. it's essential to provide a good foundation. it's important that i show up prepared with my music, that i stay in the moment, and lovingly provide that foundation. i must be selfless. it's an interesting spot for a performer to find herself, knowing that a good performance ensures another's success. all performers want to be the one receiving the accolades, but being a contralto i will generally sing small supporting roles for most of my career. to be successful i need to cultivate a prepared un-selfish and giving stage presence. it's imperative to remember to sing from love.

today i have a coaching and i will be writing down in a paper notebook what i want to accomplish. i don't want to fly by the seat of my pants anymore. i want a map to guide me.

in singing i am perfectly capable of setting goals and knowing what i am capable of, with bodybuilding i am quite in the dark. i have enlisted the help of one more knowledgable than i, and tonight we are going to write down goals for me...the map to finding my guns. i make maps of what exercises i want to do before i go to the gym, so i don't wander about, but now i need to make a map of mile markers and when i want to pass them. i am strangely comforted in the making of these maps. one little step at a time, one day at a time, one weight, one phrase...i don't have to do anything allatonce.

today i am going to fold laundry from love, i will sing from love, i will lift weights from love, all the time knowing that the love i cultivate for myself will spill over into the lives of others. i can't change myself without changing the world around me. i am not in an autonomous bubble floating through life, i am a person who is inextricably entangled in the world around me...and it's wonderful.